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Baby Number Four

Six days ago I found out I was pregnant…. for the fifth time in my life. you would think that this is a familiar feeling, and it is. But it also isn’t. After the news of a baby a lot of people probably question if they are fit to be parents. I have three children and still do not know how I'm doing as a mother. They're alive and happy, no health concerns, and they are loved. But a lot of days, I'm aggravated, I'm frustrated, I'm on edge, and sometimes just downright in a bad mood.

For seven years now I have been nonstop pregnant and breastfeeding; and its been magical. It has brought me so many ups and downs. I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mother to four children, I just assumed I would rock it way more than I do now. As we all know there are so many responsibilities placed on a stay at home mom, and for the first three or four years I didn't necessarily think that “I” was one of those.

I put my all into being a mother, and I lost myself. I spent many years really struggling, on so many levels. my relationship with their father was rocky and eventually led to a temporary separation. From living in a new state and making all new friends, being away from my family while raising my children who were 15 months apart, the list could go on, but just dealing with life; it has been a lot!

I thought I would have a break before having my fourth and final babe. But, the universe has spoken; and now by the time I birth and finish breastfeeding this new babe, it will be ten years of nonstop pregnancy and breastfeeding. One decade; all of my twenties, childbearing! This gives me all sorts of feelings, but mostly to know how blessed I am!

It is such a joy to be able to create and mother children, even on those hard days. Sure there are plenty of things that I could have done better the past seven years, and I am still learning how to improve. Just when I thought I was going to be finishing my last year of breastfeeding, I end up getting pregnant again. It is such a blessing to be chosen as a mother and to surrender to that job and role. So as I sit here drinking my red raspberry leaf tea, wondering how the hell I'm going to do it; all I can do is trust the Universe knows what its doing, and believe in myself. Because as Mothers, we carry this immense magic to somehow know what needs to be done. So I ask all of you other Mamas; how do you do it? How do you keep your sanity while constantly serving children? How do you keep your “you” time while running a household? And especially for you mothers of many, how do you balance it all? The simple answer to each of these questions, is, simply, love. But ~ I want to know the logistics; what keeps your fire ignited?!! Blessings to all of you Mamas!

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